Vanilla Bean.

Maybe if the pages had post-parallel lines it would fit more symmetrically inside my conscious. Just like an actual confessionary that scares the truth from its source, I could speak lines through the grate to jealous ears just beyond our separation. Yet this will have to serve its purpose like all the precedents prior. Maybe I could slip it under the door when I know no one is at home. Then I wouldn't have to feel ashamed; I wouldn't have to beg forgiveness for wanting you like I do. All I ever wanted was to feel like this was right, finally in my destined state. With every choked-up confession I sulk a little further because I know I'm not allowed to leave this place smiling. Make me over into someone new; all I ever wanted was you to hold onto. And I could recite this over and over. I could smash out the window with these fragile fists just to prove how serious I can be. I am too tired when I get home and I hate crying myself to sleep just because no one is there to listen. I am too damn tired when I wake up that no earthly amount of holy water can bring optical swelling down. I go again; I leave again, on behalf of expected company. At least he looks forward to hearing another vicariously lived-through sin. The time has come to claim a fortune mine but my era has expired. Maybe if the pages wore invisable ink I would feel safer just knowing that my thoughts were hidden. Yet I write too fast and speak too freely, now lacking a wall to curl-up behind. Maybe I could smile as I reach in to remove his collar, and tell him that the water won't ever stop his swelling. Then I could leave with the door open and his mind refreshed and dance all the way around back to his doorstep. It's a path I've never taken but wanted to so many times. With three pages in my pocket I wouldn't choose to feel ashamed; I wouldn't choose to apologize for wanting you like I do. I would enter without a moments hesitation; Maybe you'd listen as I cry and say something that you mean.

Mackinaw Island Fudge.

I am dancing around the fire; or rather the residue of ashes, clinging to the coals, smothered by murder. The tips of my fingers reach out, longing to touch the flames that use to burn so passionately. We both lost the drive of hope somewhere between the ocean’s coast and the roads we once traveled on; repeatedly. You kissed the air between us, the air that reached my inhalation. I reacted, and un-reacted. Squeezing your hand that much tighter, searching for certainty in the depths of you cavity. Every day the thought of what it would be like once we both returned home clawed at my core. Our failure reminds me of foiled plans to discover china in a sandbox, or find butterflies in my bed. Nonetheless, my non-sense was stabilized by your ability to deflect insecurity and place me in a fragile glass box; inscribed with love’s ignored faults and the familiar scent of home. Where is my new lullaby?
p.s. please tell me there will be no goodbyes.

Pistachio Almond.

It all comes back. Sometimes going away is nice too. I guess we can all be fuckers and enjoy it. Buy a pair of sunglasses that make you feel too cool for school, too hot to trot, and untouchable. Famous, maybe even a little bit of an asshole. It's like Halloween any day of the week. We should be our Achilles Heels or Arch Nemeses for Halloween. October feels nice, like childhood moments with fantasizing we had different names and that we were cooler people than we thought we were.

Cherry Garcia.

Being this tired reminds me of my earlier days in high school, toothpicks pry my deary eyes open. I am stagnant behind this towering wall; why can't my body climb? It's fatigued, my mind is drifting to elsewheres and what use to be. I can't recall the last time I felt brave, only this feeling of insecurity. Sweeping over me, like a hurricane and it's waves gripping at my soul. I cut all my ties, "what doesn't bend will break"; I broke. It hurts just to wake up when you know you are wearing thin, alone on the outside. I wish I could sleep for a year, and wake up to something new; to someone new. A new image looking back at me in the mirror, a new mind to play with. A newborn. I want to look at everything with curiosity, looking to discover; to see everything for the first time, again. Familiar streets are brand new.
But, I would remember slowly, with a funny feeling under my skin.

Butter Pecan.

But, what happens if I wanna sleep on my tummy?

Or perhaps even on my right side? >.<

Orchard Peach.

One of my favorite things are the little circles on drink lids that you can push in that say *diet*, *cola*, *tea*, *decaf*, etc. I like pushing buttons. When I see DO NOT PUSH buttons, I start to think buttons have a hidden agenda.


Watching... Lecture Videos from my art class. They are actually relatively interesting.

Reading.... World War Z. [:

Listening... To Say Anything, they console me when no one else can.

Wanting... To go on a roadtrip, even just for a day.

Wondering... If you miss me, as much as I miss you


Feel free to join in on this meme. Comment and let me know so I can come read yours. If your unsure of how this works, have a read over here.

Java Chip.

Sometimes if you stare at a picture long enough, the image disappears. It becomes familiar and you forget what it was like to first see it. You forget the feelings and perhaps the memories that you once associated with that image. Instead it just becomes an image in the back of your head, just something pasted into memory. && then it's gone, and slips through your fingers. I'll tell you I stared at that picture for so long it lost it's meaning. I intended to memorize it's every detail, it's every shaded color, instead; the opposite was accomplished. So much for being intense. It's a lesson to those who are intense that if you are too much of that, it turns to nothing. && those who are too thorough lose all detail in the end. Sometimes, it's just best to take things in their simplest form; no need to dig deeper.

Salted Caramel.

It's that time of the year; everyone is waiting for the weather to cool down. The Fall breeze to wrap our bodies in hope. Our eyes long to see the leaves wither and release their grasp from the thin branches. The skies cloud and a crisp feeling is on the wind. Don't fret, cooler weather is on it's way.





It won't be long now.

Mango Tango

I am giving up on chasing yours coattails, round and round we go, passing the same scenery time and time again. My lips are sealed this time, I've sown them shut. They no longer speak thoughts of romance and hope to you. I can't keep uttering these lies, because the feeling has drifted from my grasp. There is a difference, between loving someone and being in love; I just can't ignore that fact. Together, we were all alone. Keeping you would be a lie, so I have to let you go. I have to move forward, forgetting my fingers intertwined with yours, the sweet breathe on my neck, the promises we once made; I thank you for showing me what love really was, but it hurts to see what true love really does.

everything will be okay in the end.
if it's not okay.
it's not the end.

Rocky Road.

I have been at a loss of what to write about for weeks now. I have been pondering topic, after topic and nothing seems to stick. My mind is so disorganized and restless. Not knowing what to think, when to think or even how to think. Nothing seems to stick; it's so chaotic. I am tired of feeling this way, and I don't know how to end it.
I need a clean breeze to sweep me off my feet and give me something new and refreshing. I need a new feeling to dwell within my cavity.

Summer Wildberry.

My entire life I have been one to gravitate towards solid ground. I welcome and search for security in every aspect of my life. As of late, things have been a bit shakey. && I can't depend on or be sure about anything. Surprisingly, I am enjoying this sense of "not knowing". Taking everything day by day, and not knowing what lays before me when I awake again. It has become a comforting feeling. I think sometimes, it's better being unaware. [For now at least]. I prefer to pretend this does not exist. I prefer to steer my wandering mind away from those thoughts. Only to look towards the horizon.

I will find a solid foundation in the future.
But, for now. I prefer not to look for it.

Chocolate Marshmallow.

The weather today has resembled a monsoon! The rain, the wind, the dust, thunder, lightening. The whole shabang. The weather very much affects my moods, and has been the cause for my extreme laziness today. Simple laying by the window && watching the rain drizzle has filled most of my todays time. Enjoy this little video I recorded. Pardon the bad quality.

&& some Whispering Windy Photography.



Love is on the wind, you can't see it. But you can feel it.

Lemon Custard.

Sometimes the most important and true expressions, are those that remain silent and not spoken. Sometimes meer actions mean more than anything you could ever say to me. Words are thrown every which way, nowadays. The expressions that use to mean the world to a person, have now become cliche, && "just something to be said", as if it's a duty.
I, to am at fault for using profanity.. whatever. But, speaking with true meaning and conviction is what really matters, and that seems so hard to find.

Candy Bar Whirl.

A group of nine new graduated design students have been working on a project called, 'Fresh'. This cutting-edge fashion project features vibrant collections of work from the nine new graduate designers, carefully selected by Kath Libbert as representing the very best of emerging design talent.

'Umbrella' dress by Suzanne McCulloch

'Umbrella Pelt" dress by Nina Osborne

'Tea party in the trees' ring by Lynne Kirstin Murray

Isn't that first umbrella dress just the cutest!? I seem to have a thing for umbrella creations. You can see pieces from the other six designers here.

Vanilla Fudge Ripple.

I am still a child, I know this. Everyday I am reminded of this. I am slowly learning my place in this fast paced world. I learn a new lesson everyday. Every experience I am blessed with, teaches me new things. A lifetime of mistakes awaits me; it's inevitable that some mistakes will be made along the way. Taking something away from these mistakes is vital. I come from a rather stubborn background and a "why not?" mentality. && often there is nothing wrong with this type of thinking; having an open mindset isn't a bad thing. But the actions and the responsiblity that should be involved in these decisions is a big deal. I do my very best to learn these simple lessons. At times, it feels like no matter what I do, I seem to make the same mistakes that I try not to. This only comes from stubborness, and it does me well to realize this now.
This summer I have been living according to, "more options, less rules". I feel the need to live, to be out in the world and do as I please, with no limitations. && in reality, there are no limitations. However, there are consequences. I am learning this; I am learning how bad it hurts to disappoint the ones you love, to make them worry about your safety. && I intend to take away from those experieneces, a better judgement for the future. I am still a work in progress.

Coconut Pineapple.

I've been to a place were the sun shines no matter what; a place above everything else. It's a long way home as far as we can tell; a place where the clouds look like castles the higher you get and we're so close to the end. I know a place were there's flower fields in your eyes; a place where love makes you feel whole.



It's easy to see what you're doing to me in this place.

Mocha Almond Fudge.

I have been in an incredible mood the past couple of days, I am not sure what brought this one or how long it will last. But, I have been filled with an unreasonable amount of inspiration. Everything has been giving me ideas. && I have found myself expressing more creativity through my simple art pieces.

On another note, I have a demo coming up this Friday. EEk!

xxx

xx

Watching... Revolutionary Road. I am not even sure what that movie was about, or what the point was exactly. I don't think I liked it however.

Reading.... The Zombie Survival Guide. Yes, you read that correctly. I like reading odd books.


Listening... To the new Mayday Parade album I downlaoded today. They have a completely new album coming out this November! [:

Wanting... Someone to come cuddle with me.

Wondering... What classes I should register for. The Fall sememster is coming up very quickly.


Feel free to join in on this meme. Comment and let me know so I can come read yours. If your unsure of how this works, have a read over here.

Pralines and Cream.

I miss the days that seemed easy. The days when I knew exactly what I wanted and how I wanted it. My future was clear to me, my goals and aspirations were steady. Every morning was simply another stepping block towards what i wished to accomplish. This was merely a short year ago. Yet, it feels so much longer. Now, everything is different. My wants are no longer clear, my goals are jumbled and my life seems to be slowly slipping into adulthood. It is becoming more clear by the day, that I am going to need to make some serious decisions, and I'm not sure that I am ready for them. making these decisions will be even more difficult, with my lack of knowledge about what i want. && this goes for every aspect of my life.
I am searching for the one thing that I can be passionate about doing, the one thing that will make me happy. It seems to me, that everyone my age has already decided what they want to do with their lives; what they wish to accomplish. But, I am still deciding, still changing my mind by the day. the one thing I do know, is I want to do something that might make a difference, something that I can be noticed and remembered by. Isn't that what everyone wants?

I'll just be waiting for that day, when I wake up and I am no longer afraid; when everything seems clear to me.

The Beginning.

It has recently become evident to me that expressing my thoughts and getting some things out on paper, or in this case; keyboard. Can better my thought process and therefore make decision making easier. As said, this is my reason for beginning a blog. Journaling/blogging has always been something that I enjoy quite a large amount. But, I always seem to stop writing, because I am never satisfied with what ends up on the page. As such, I haven't written much lately. However, I intend to forget abut my over analyzing of every word, and just simply write the words that seem to flow freely.

Sheez, this sounds more like I am trying to convince myself this is a good idea.

[another thing I tend to do.]



Hopefully, somewhere along the way, someone will find my future entries amusing, or entertaining in someway. I'd hate to only be blogging for my own satisfaction afterall.